Hope

Oh how many times have I heard the word "hope"?

How many times have I cried myself to sleep thinking of how useless hope was and a waste of time and energy.

Hoping for a love lost, a love thrown away and disposed of. Hoping for the love of my life to return when I'm not even sure he even existed anymore.

Too many tears have been shed for someone who convinced himself I wasn't good enough a long time ago and was looking for a way out.

But what if I was meant to hope for something else... Perhaps when people were telling me to hope they did not mean for a love discarded.

Perhaps they meant for hope to bring peace, to allow a broken heart to heal and mend and begin to open to the thought of new happiness.

Hope for me today means hope that one day someone will love and cherish me the way my friend does his wife. Hope that one day I'll be worth fighting for and that vows to each other will mean more then just words so easily forgotten.

I dislike holidays

I dislike holidays. They make me miss people and feel very, very alone.

I miss him... So much so that I can't even put it into words. After the way he's treated me he doesn't deserve devotion or these feelings... But they are there. I want to go home and hold his hand and kiss his lips. I feel as though I'm doomed to miss him forever.

If I focus on the positive, I've connected with an old friend. I missed his flirty, nerdy, wonderful sense of humor a great deal. It's been a very long time since the last time I laughed and smiled so often. Reminding yourself that he treats all women the same way is how you avoid his charm. You aren't special, just another number. :) He is a wonderful friend though.

Hopefully I'll make it through this weekend without too many tears. Fingers crossed.

Glimmer of tears

I haven't had a day like this in a while. From the moment I woke up I could feel it in my heart. I miss him.

It makes me so mad to miss him. He doesn't deserve to be missed after all the crap he pulled.

But it can't be helped. I love him. Will I ever not? I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to talk to about everything and anything and not feeling stupid for it.

I miss his smile a lot. I miss having him look at me and knowing there wasn't a judgement. He just looked at me and loved me.

I'm so scared ill never find that again. I don't even know how to start. I know I'm not ready - even thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone.

...

My heart just hurts. It makes it hard to breathe.

Whoa

It's 5:22am.

I just got home from my sister and brothers place. I attempted to play mediator between them for a disagreement.

I just. My heart is beating so fast.

I saw Ryan and I.

I saw my brother telling his fiancee that he loves her, that he wants to be with her. I then saw my sister shake her head and not believe it.

I did that. I was there. I refused to listen and hear Ryan tell me that he loved me because I wanted it in a different way... When all along he was saying it the only way he knew how.

I'm so scared for them. I'm so scared she won't hear it in time. I'm so scared she'll make my mistake and he'll just finally give up.

I did that. I pushed and pushed and finally I broke him.

I cracked the foundation.

Ryan I am so sorry. I know that this is too little too late for us. I know that I pushed you to a point that you had to hardened your heart against us to legitimately survive.

I'm sorry I couldn't see that what you were giving was what I wanted just in a different form.

I hope she sees it before it is too late. I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone.

The last glimmer

The last glimmer of hope died today.

It hurt. It hurt more then when he first sent me away. I still had hope at that point.

My throat hurts from screaming. My eyes hurt from tears but they still keep leaking out.

I still love him. I don't know if I'll ever stop but he nailed that final nail today.

I have to heal for my kids. Until I can heal for myself I'll need to heal for them.

Thank you for my memories, thank you for the love we shared and the life we enjoyed together.

I wish you peace, mind and soul. I wish you success.

I hope that one day you'll realize how loved you are because of your heart and soul. I hope you realize that lying and pretending isn't necessary.

You are amazing just as you.

Goodbye.

Foundations

Had a conversation about the foundations of marriage yesterday.

Ugh it doesn't even matter about the stupid conversation. I just miss him.

I miss EVERYTHING about him. I miss his habits and the feeling of his body. I miss him being angry bc I interrupted him, I miss hearing him talk to the kids. I miss his intelligence and asking him about school.

I just feel dead. It makes it hard it to want to just end it. I don't even care about the stupid suicide contract I signed. I'm just tired of missing him. I'm tired a hearing him, smelling him or feeling him in my dreams. I'm so very tired of waking up without him.

I'm just tired.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?"

Haunting. It's just haunting. The first verse of the above song kills me. It's how I wake up everyday. Everyday I fight the tears that come to my eyes when I remember that I'm here and he's not beside me.

I can't reach out and touch his smooth skin. I can't feel him breathe. I can't see those eyes stare into mine. I can't feel his lips kiss mine three times... I'll never see him roll his eyes when I ask for more just because the feeling o his lips on mine sets sparks racing through my body and lights my entire being on fire. His kisses jump start my heart. They can heal every wound I ever felt and fight off any demon I ever had.

I miss his hands. I miss his fingers and seeing the ring on his left hand. I miss knowing we were oka. "we will always be oka" ... He promised.

Then we weren't. He cast me aside and threw me away. Now he ignores me and moves on.

So when I finally have a moment of free, clear mind and then you come back in... Are you thinking of me at that very same moment? Or are you pushing all of our memories away? Digging holes and burying the feelings you said you had?

Is that easier for you then trying? Are breaking vows and promises easier then fighting for us?

Or are you just too scared to fight the fight? So ignoring it and hoping it will go away is easier?

I would still stand beside you and fight any fight. I'd still love everything about you. I still do.

No matter how many times I have to hear how stupid I am for that.

No matter how many people look at me with pity.

I said vows. I promised to love you through all the good and the bad. I'll love you forever.

You are too amazing to forget. You are too spectacular to let go of.

You, Ryan, set everything good off inside of me. A single look, or touch, or kiss.

You kept my spirit sparked and energized. You are beautiful, handsome, intelligent, funny, caring, generous to a fault.

You are my soul's mate.

I feel it dying everyday without you. I'm scared of losing it completely. I'm scared that without you my world will remain grey and bland.

You are so special. I wish I had told you that more or tried to explain more how amazing you made me feel.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

I love you. I've never stopped. I don't know how to not love you.

Blogging

I haven't blogged in a while.

I stopped because I was emailed and asked to not blog on here and that I should perhaps try a pen and paper. I tried it.

I didn't work. I couldn't get into it and I didn't enjoy it.

So I'm back to this. I'm tired of being told what to do. If you don't like it - please feel free not to read it. I need this.

I need to write and express and get it out. This is where I like it.

So how am I?

Well honestly not good.

I'm sad, tired, very lonely and missing my dogs everyday.

I've been trying to restrict myself to only asking about them once a month. I wish I could ask everyday and get a response but I think I've even lost my once a month update.

I was told that I'll be informed of anything that happens. It was a brush off - a leave me alone email.

I was told that Rooney would never be taken away from me. Well that wasn't the truth.

I was told that he decided to be the main caretaker for the dogs without a discussion after I met the stipulations he put forward. I was told he wouldn't deny me access to them.

So now I'm going to have to go visit. I'm terrified to go. Is he going to let me see them? Is he going to deny me that as well? Is he going to tell me that I have to fit into his schedule or his timetable even though it will be me flying 8 hours to see them?

All I want are Rooney & Penelope. I know that I can't take care of Maui I don't have the yard space or the time to commit to her. But I am more then capable of taking care of Rooney and Penelope and providing them with a great life. He says it isn't personal but he can't/won't give me a reason that it isn't.

I still cry everyday. I still miss him everyday.

I still wake up more often then not thinking I'll open my eyes and see his back or his gorgeous face.

But I don't. It's this constant punch in the face that the only person I've ever told everything to threw me away like a common piece of garbage.

Even with that thought I'd go back in an instant. Of course we'd have things to work out but the love I have for him is strong enough to overcome anything.

He is my soul's mate.

I will love him until my very last breath. I wish that was enough for him.

Maybe one day it will be. Maybe one day he'll call and say - "let's talk."

I just hope it comes before I'm gone.

Alone

I feel so alone.

This weekend was busy. On Saturday I was at Grace's birthday party. I was the only one with kids and a spouse.

On Sunday was Mom's surprise party. It went great, everyone had a good time.. Then when everyone left I had no one again.

Fuck.

I miss him so much.

:(

I just... I can't figure out why he stopped loving me. What did I do that was so bad?

Why doesn't my heart matter? Why don't the vows mean anything?

Why can he give up and move on so easily.

He doesn't miss me at all. :(

Therapy #3

Went to therapy today. I didn't want to go. Part of me feels like by going I'm saying yep - I'm letting go.

Today we talked about having to be in a shell or a cocoon. Having to be there and then breaking out (breaking emotionally) before being able to move on.

I lost it. I sobbed for a whole 5 minutes. I tried to stop and I couldn't. Sure I've cried in therapy but never just sobbed. When we talked about breaking I couldn't handle it.

It means change. It means letting go. It means not blaming myself for the entire destruction on my marriage.

My therapist pushed me today. He pushed me to stop being mad at myself and stop talking about how great Ryan is and to finally look at it and see that it wasn't all me. Ryan played his role in all of this as well. My therapist is concerned that I keep doing what Ryan wants. He asked me why I keep doing that.

He said I don't have to do anything he wants. He doesn't control me. If I want to write a blog I can write it. If I want to tell his mom everything I can. I don't have to do a damn thing Ryan asks anymore. He threw me away - he threw away our relationship.

My therapist reminded me that I didn't give up. Despite the reasons Ryan says he walked away the point is that he still gave up. Things got tough and Ryan couldn't deal with it.

I didn't fail. Ryan did.

We talked about finding a healthy outlet for the anger I feel - the anger I'm afraid to express because upsetting other people upsets me.

I keep thinking about Ryan telling me I have an anger problem. I think about I all the time. Everyone I've told that to laughs - they tell me they can't believe it. I tell them why he says that - I've told the ketchup bottle story, I've told the window/radio story, I've told about calling him an asshole or a jerk.

I keep getting - umm so that's a reason to end a marriage? So that means you have an anger problem?

From everyone - even my therapist - I get: and you are trying to prove him right why? I keep getting asked why I'm making excuses for him. Why am I sleeping in my moms house telling everyone how he's not a bad guy and how it was all my fault but yet he's sitting in a paid off house that I and his mom painted and fixed up, he's sitting there not having to work, he has all the furniture, he has a rental property making him an income and he has all 6 of our animals.

So why do I keep making excuses for him? Why do I keep defending him?

I don't know. I don't know why I do - all I know is that I love him.

I want to be there picking up his clothes. I want to be there rubbing his back at night. I want to kiss him (x3) at night before sleep.

:(

Ugh.

Am I going to get over this?

Therapy - take #2

Every time I opened my mouth I start to cry. Ugh it makes me so mad.

It was a good session I think. We are talking about figuring out who I really am. I feel like perhaps I'm not this happy go lucky person that I try to be to make people happy. Ryan always says that I'm not the same person with him as I am with others. He's right, I didn't have to put a face on with him and it was too much for him... Now I'm scared that being the real me means I'm unlovable and too much too handle. :(

It's hard. My therapist says just because my marriage is ending doesn't mean either of those things.

We started talking about Ryan today. My therapist kept reminding me that I wasn't the one that quit on our marriage. He said I wasn't the one who failed at our marriage.

That doesn't make me feel any better. We talked about how Ryan completes me, makes me happier, stable, feel solid and complete. I talked about how inadequate I feel because I obviously don do that for him and how I'm struggling to understand how he can be that for me but I'm not it for him. I can't figure out how my head and heart can be so in love with someone who doesn't feel the same.

It's a rough process. It's hard to tell my therapist things I've never even told Ryan... Things that I'm scared of, things I couldn't explain to Ryan without worrying that he'd tuck tail and run.

Now I'm feeling like even just being me is so inadequate and unlovable that it's not worth ever putting myself out there.

:(

My therapist said he found it very interesting that I seem to have such an insecurity about my own identity when my husband deals with his own identity issues and from what I've explained I was confident and able to support his identity issues with no problem.

Ugh. So much.

All I know is that I still hurt.

I still miss him.

I love him.

Others Happiness

You should be happy for other people. You should be happy when good things happen to people.

But when you feel as unhappy as I do it's hard.

It's hard to be happy for someone who ends up pregnant and engaged after three months of dating.

Why does she get that and I get a miserable existence without the one I love?

Dream

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare so I felt good when I woke up.

In it, we actually spoke. We sat down and talked about our issues. We agreed to try and work things out.

No one gave up on things.

We tried.

Have you completely closed that door? Have you just decided that throwing away 12+ years of friendship and 4+ years of marriage are worth just tossing aside?

How can you so easily do that?

Email

All I want to do is email you. I don't know if you'd write back but I wish you would. I miss my friend so much.

:(

Hurt

It hurts.

Everything in me hurts. From the time I open my eyes until the last moment before I slip into what my body now calls sleep.

And isn't that a joke. Sleep. I used to dread sleeping because it meant I couldn't see you but then I was able to wake up next to you and it countered all that bad. Waking up next to you, being able to touch you, kiss you, hold you. It was all I wanted... From 15 until I met you, I dreamt and prayed and wished for you next to me.

Now? I toss and turn. I wake up at 3, 4,5 crying or wanting to scream.

I see you in my dreams but I can't ever touch you. In my dreams you are over me, moved on. Living life like I meant nothing. You have our kids and someone else. You laugh and smile and kiss someone else.

I can't even imagine smiling. I can't even imagine anyone else.

I'm not saying there is someone else but I know you'll move on. I know you'll find someone new.

What do I do?

How do I make the hurt stop?

You aren't even speaking to me right now. It's killing me.

I have no one to talk to, no one I confide in. No one to turn to. You were my husband but more then that you have been my best friend for 12+ years. You've been my support system, my family, my lover.

Then you ripped it all away. Blamed me for everything. Told me and your mom that this was all my fault. And then you just stop.

You promised we'd always be Oka.

You told me we could be friends.

You NEVER told me you'd do this.

How can you hurt someone so easily and then just pretend they don't exist?

You aren't even sending me my stuff.

Why do you get to make a life changing decision and then stick your head in the sand and not deal with it.

You should be dealing with this. You should be taking responsibility for your decisions!!

YOU WANTED THIS!! BE A MAN AND STEP UP AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!

I DIDN'T WALK AWAY. I LEFT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.

then you threw me away anyways. Called me at 730am on a Monday. YOU LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WOULD GO TO THERAPY. YOU LET ME SPILL MY HEART.

And then you told me you weren't in love with me anymore and not to come home. If I did come home you'd be forced to do something I wouldn't like.

Do you hurt at all? Or did you just decide that I don't exist?

I hurt. I cry myself to sleep. I wish, and pray and beg God to make the hurt go away.

And you won't even update me on our kids.

No one deserves to be treated like this. No one.

And yet you seem to be Oka. Living your life, letting your Mom pack my stuff.

What did I do to deserve this treatment? I didn't send someone after you to best the shit out of you. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lie to you. I didn't tell you that you were a piece of shit the week your Dad died. I didn't use you for my own personal gain.

You wanted to keep all those types in your life.

Yes, we argued. Yes, I called you an asshole or a jerk when you pushed every button you possibly could. Did I yell? Fuck yes. Did I cry? Of course.

We had 4 years of marriage. Years where we dealt with the stress of being out of our comfort zones. Years of lies or indecision. We never had a "normal" relationship but I gave you my best.

I GAVE YOU MY FUCKING BEST.

I gave you my love, my support, my heart.

You crushed it all.

4 years of marriage wasn't even worth a fucking chance to you.

Then you had the nerve to say to me, oh "too little too late".

Really?!?

When you refused to fill out your immigration paperwork for the first 3 years of our marriage after promising, promising, promising you would... Did I run away?

When you gave up on working, or ignored opportunities to work.. Did I run away?

I never gave up. I never would have given up.

Was I perfect? Hell fucking no.

I have a temper and I'm stubborn as hell.

But did I ask you the night before we went anywhere if I could have a Starbucks? Yep. I did.

You know why? Because you got mad and told me I wasn't being fair to you by asking for a hot chocolate the morning of us going somewhere.

Did you buy me gifts? Of course. You provided me with lots of things and surprised me with lots of things. So why does everyone think I should NEVER forget that? Did everyone else miss where you owned TWO PORSCHES?

Oh wait... What about when you traded those in and bought yourself a Camaro after promising me we'd discuss it first when you got home.

Oh wait... A 60" tv that I came home from work one day and just said come on honey I know you want it.

Has anyone seen your closet. Like you ever stopped yourself from clothes or shoe buying.

Hmmm oh I know. Hey honey - I bought a couple more fatheads then I said I was going to.

How about you bitching everyday that you had to drive me to work and pick me up after I was hit by a MACK truck and my car was out of commission. I remember you asking me if I'd take the 2 hr bus trip one way so you wouldn't have to get up.

When you went into my wallet and removed all access to any money we had, debit card and credit cards, THREE DIFFERENT TIMES because you were mad at me.

You took all of my American credit cards and debit card before you kicked me out but yet you haven't even sent me your Canadian debit card or the Canadian Tire mastercards (yours and mine) OR your Canadian visa.

And I'm the fucked up one crying myself to sleep because none of that means I don't love you and that I don't want to be with you.

I do love you and I do want to be with you.

I miss you so damn much.

I want to wake up next to you.

I want to rub your back.

I wish I could hear your voice.

WW and best friends

WW went well. Down for the first time in 2 weeks... Thank goodness. Now if only I can keep on track and continue this trend next week. *fingers crossed*

Spent the evening with F. I actually smiled and laughed for the first time since Sunday. She always makes me laugh. Good friends are hard to come by... Especially when you aren't giving back what they deserve. That is what a true friend is - someone who sticks by you through it all. The good, the bad an the ugly.

I owe F BIG time. :)

Feeling Blue

Felt oka today until about 10am. Then I was just sad again.

Being at work, I had to keep a happy face on. Then at lunch a co-worker talked about how he had to get rid of his dogs because he couldn't find a rental house here that would allow him to have them. Since he is here his wife and kids had to bring the dog to the pound.

Ugh. It just tore at my heart.

I try not to think about the kids at work... Mainly because I can barely keep it together when I do think of them. I miss them so much.

I know they are safe but I can't help but feel like he is keeping them for personal reasons. He always told me that he'd never take Rooney away from me.

He doesn't seem to remember that. He knows how important Rooney is to me and yet to cause more pain he has made the executive decision that he gets to keep them.

I'm not angry about anything but that. He can lie to himself and everyone else but I know he's keeping them all for selfish reasons. That hurts me the most.

Guilt

I feel guilty for not 'healing' as quickly as everyone thinks I should. I feel guilty for not wanting to go to a lawyer or for missing my dogs when people tell me I shouldn't.

I feel guilty for the people who worry about me and guilty for not being the 'strong' person people expect me to be.

Those are all examples of unhealthy guilt. Guilt that weighs me down and depletes what little happiness I have.

I don't really know what healthy guilt is yet.. I suppose it would be guilt for hurting someone. So in that case I feel guilty for contributing to his unhappiness. Hurting him is a pain I can't apologize for enough. What I do hope he realizes is that my intentions were not to hurt him. My intentions were to love him, to support him and to make him see how loved, appreciated, and happy he made me on a daily basis.

I screwed up some days. I think he did to on days.

Was anything that happened reason to give up?

No. Not in my eyes. I suppose that mean we have to agree to disagree.

We never talked about this situation. We talked about cheating... That was always the line. Everything else was workable. That is what he always promised.

I believed that promise. I believed him when he promised we would always be Oka. I believed in him and in us.

The death of that is this gigantic hole in my soul.

What happened? What changed?

I have my theory. I know we weren't perfect... I know we had our faults and our fights and that some of those fights got out of control. I'm not going to deny that or downplay any of that. But all of THAT is fixable.

I think what contributed A LOT was that all of the sudden I went from one of his main supports to being one of many. When we told our friends and they accepted him for him all of the sudden he had other support. He didn't need me anymore.

He didn't need me and he didn't want me.

He turned my support around in his head and made it an ugly thing. He told me I threw it in his face that I loved and supported him through everything when all I wanted him to know was that I supported him. I HAVE and ALWAYS will support him. It was never meant to be ugly. It wasn't meant to be a slap in his face.

I love Ryan for his heart.

I love Ryan for his laughter and smile.

I love him for him. No matter who he is I love and support him.

I wish he could see that and not find ugly in it.

...

Do I want to go home? Yes.
Do I miss him? God yes.
Do I grieve for the loss of my best friend? Yes.

I don't know how to not have those feelings.

I can't erase him from my life like he erased me.

I don't want to.

Perhaps again that is where we have to agree to disagree.

Therapist

Going to see a new therapist tonight.

I don't know how I feel about it. Right now I'm just exhausted from fighting tears at work. I feel the same as I did yesterday but my mom was annoyed and pissy that I didn't get out of bed all day yesterday. Her disappointment in me just makes it harder so I showered and got myself to work.

Cried the whole morning.

I'm tired. Tired of tears. Tired of faking a smile, tired of pretending I'm Oka.

I know I'm doing a crappy job of faking it anyway.

I'm just tired and I miss him. I miss us and our kids.

Radio Silence

Dear you,

I heard that you think radio silence might be best because you are hoping not to hurt me more than I'm already hurting but it's doing the exact opposite.

Every moment I don't hear from you is like a knife in my heart.

Every time I check my email I'm praying for a message. Praying for an update on our kids. God I miss those sweet faces. I don't know how to live without you and our kids. I just don't.

Every time I check Facebook I hope you'll have messaged me. Tell me you've received the package for the kids. Tell me that you liked their shirts or that the cats like their toys.

Maybe you'll tell me about school and how it's going.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just be left here struggling not to scream. Fighting a losing battle against constant tears and sobs.

Days like today where all I could do was focus on breathing. I've never felt so alone.

You are my best friend and the only person who didn't judge me. I could tell you everything.

Now I have nothing. My actions or lack there of have left my family angry or disappointed in me. Out of two friends, one hasn't spoken to me since before my birthday and the other is trying to shove lawyers down my throat.

Please. I can't do this.

I need you.

- me

Depression

I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed today. I called off work and slept off and on all day. Yesterday, after talking with my MiL, all I could think about was how fast I'd die if I jumped from the high level.

Sadly the only thing that keeps me from going there is this thought process of - what if I die and then he realizes that he misses me and wants me back. It's on this continuous loop in my head. I want to be here if suddenly it hits him that he wants me to come home.

Then I think - obviously he is never going to want you again. He won't even acknowledge your existence. It's like I never even was a part of his life. How do you just erase someone who has been your friend since we were both 13, not to mention your wife for the past 4 years?

He's managed to do just that. I just never existed. It feels like the only person who even remembers me is my MiL.

I feel like dying. I wish I could. I can't take this hurt anymore. I just want to hear his voice, I miss my friend.

I miss my friend so much. I miss his laugh and smile. I miss listening to him breathe at night.

I miss him so much.