Therapy #3

Went to therapy today. I didn't want to go. Part of me feels like by going I'm saying yep - I'm letting go.

Today we talked about having to be in a shell or a cocoon. Having to be there and then breaking out (breaking emotionally) before being able to move on.

I lost it. I sobbed for a whole 5 minutes. I tried to stop and I couldn't. Sure I've cried in therapy but never just sobbed. When we talked about breaking I couldn't handle it.

It means change. It means letting go. It means not blaming myself for the entire destruction on my marriage.

My therapist pushed me today. He pushed me to stop being mad at myself and stop talking about how great Ryan is and to finally look at it and see that it wasn't all me. Ryan played his role in all of this as well. My therapist is concerned that I keep doing what Ryan wants. He asked me why I keep doing that.

He said I don't have to do anything he wants. He doesn't control me. If I want to write a blog I can write it. If I want to tell his mom everything I can. I don't have to do a damn thing Ryan asks anymore. He threw me away - he threw away our relationship.

My therapist reminded me that I didn't give up. Despite the reasons Ryan says he walked away the point is that he still gave up. Things got tough and Ryan couldn't deal with it.

I didn't fail. Ryan did.

We talked about finding a healthy outlet for the anger I feel - the anger I'm afraid to express because upsetting other people upsets me.

I keep thinking about Ryan telling me I have an anger problem. I think about I all the time. Everyone I've told that to laughs - they tell me they can't believe it. I tell them why he says that - I've told the ketchup bottle story, I've told the window/radio story, I've told about calling him an asshole or a jerk.

I keep getting - umm so that's a reason to end a marriage? So that means you have an anger problem?

From everyone - even my therapist - I get: and you are trying to prove him right why? I keep getting asked why I'm making excuses for him. Why am I sleeping in my moms house telling everyone how he's not a bad guy and how it was all my fault but yet he's sitting in a paid off house that I and his mom painted and fixed up, he's sitting there not having to work, he has all the furniture, he has a rental property making him an income and he has all 6 of our animals.

So why do I keep making excuses for him? Why do I keep defending him?

I don't know. I don't know why I do - all I know is that I love him.

I want to be there picking up his clothes. I want to be there rubbing his back at night. I want to kiss him (x3) at night before sleep.

:(

Ugh.

Am I going to get over this?

Therapy - take #2

Every time I opened my mouth I start to cry. Ugh it makes me so mad.

It was a good session I think. We are talking about figuring out who I really am. I feel like perhaps I'm not this happy go lucky person that I try to be to make people happy. Ryan always says that I'm not the same person with him as I am with others. He's right, I didn't have to put a face on with him and it was too much for him... Now I'm scared that being the real me means I'm unlovable and too much too handle. :(

It's hard. My therapist says just because my marriage is ending doesn't mean either of those things.

We started talking about Ryan today. My therapist kept reminding me that I wasn't the one that quit on our marriage. He said I wasn't the one who failed at our marriage.

That doesn't make me feel any better. We talked about how Ryan completes me, makes me happier, stable, feel solid and complete. I talked about how inadequate I feel because I obviously don do that for him and how I'm struggling to understand how he can be that for me but I'm not it for him. I can't figure out how my head and heart can be so in love with someone who doesn't feel the same.

It's a rough process. It's hard to tell my therapist things I've never even told Ryan... Things that I'm scared of, things I couldn't explain to Ryan without worrying that he'd tuck tail and run.

Now I'm feeling like even just being me is so inadequate and unlovable that it's not worth ever putting myself out there.

:(

My therapist said he found it very interesting that I seem to have such an insecurity about my own identity when my husband deals with his own identity issues and from what I've explained I was confident and able to support his identity issues with no problem.

Ugh. So much.

All I know is that I still hurt.

I still miss him.

I love him.

Others Happiness

You should be happy for other people. You should be happy when good things happen to people.

But when you feel as unhappy as I do it's hard.

It's hard to be happy for someone who ends up pregnant and engaged after three months of dating.

Why does she get that and I get a miserable existence without the one I love?

Dream

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a nightmare so I felt good when I woke up.

In it, we actually spoke. We sat down and talked about our issues. We agreed to try and work things out.

No one gave up on things.

We tried.

Have you completely closed that door? Have you just decided that throwing away 12+ years of friendship and 4+ years of marriage are worth just tossing aside?

How can you so easily do that?

Email

All I want to do is email you. I don't know if you'd write back but I wish you would. I miss my friend so much.

:(

Hurt

It hurts.

Everything in me hurts. From the time I open my eyes until the last moment before I slip into what my body now calls sleep.

And isn't that a joke. Sleep. I used to dread sleeping because it meant I couldn't see you but then I was able to wake up next to you and it countered all that bad. Waking up next to you, being able to touch you, kiss you, hold you. It was all I wanted... From 15 until I met you, I dreamt and prayed and wished for you next to me.

Now? I toss and turn. I wake up at 3, 4,5 crying or wanting to scream.

I see you in my dreams but I can't ever touch you. In my dreams you are over me, moved on. Living life like I meant nothing. You have our kids and someone else. You laugh and smile and kiss someone else.

I can't even imagine smiling. I can't even imagine anyone else.

I'm not saying there is someone else but I know you'll move on. I know you'll find someone new.

What do I do?

How do I make the hurt stop?

You aren't even speaking to me right now. It's killing me.

I have no one to talk to, no one I confide in. No one to turn to. You were my husband but more then that you have been my best friend for 12+ years. You've been my support system, my family, my lover.

Then you ripped it all away. Blamed me for everything. Told me and your mom that this was all my fault. And then you just stop.

You promised we'd always be Oka.

You told me we could be friends.

You NEVER told me you'd do this.

How can you hurt someone so easily and then just pretend they don't exist?

You aren't even sending me my stuff.

Why do you get to make a life changing decision and then stick your head in the sand and not deal with it.

You should be dealing with this. You should be taking responsibility for your decisions!!

YOU WANTED THIS!! BE A MAN AND STEP UP AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!

I DIDN'T WALK AWAY. I LEFT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.

then you threw me away anyways. Called me at 730am on a Monday. YOU LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WOULD GO TO THERAPY. YOU LET ME SPILL MY HEART.

And then you told me you weren't in love with me anymore and not to come home. If I did come home you'd be forced to do something I wouldn't like.

Do you hurt at all? Or did you just decide that I don't exist?

I hurt. I cry myself to sleep. I wish, and pray and beg God to make the hurt go away.

And you won't even update me on our kids.

No one deserves to be treated like this. No one.

And yet you seem to be Oka. Living your life, letting your Mom pack my stuff.

What did I do to deserve this treatment? I didn't send someone after you to best the shit out of you. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lie to you. I didn't tell you that you were a piece of shit the week your Dad died. I didn't use you for my own personal gain.

You wanted to keep all those types in your life.

Yes, we argued. Yes, I called you an asshole or a jerk when you pushed every button you possibly could. Did I yell? Fuck yes. Did I cry? Of course.

We had 4 years of marriage. Years where we dealt with the stress of being out of our comfort zones. Years of lies or indecision. We never had a "normal" relationship but I gave you my best.

I GAVE YOU MY FUCKING BEST.

I gave you my love, my support, my heart.

You crushed it all.

4 years of marriage wasn't even worth a fucking chance to you.

Then you had the nerve to say to me, oh "too little too late".

Really?!?

When you refused to fill out your immigration paperwork for the first 3 years of our marriage after promising, promising, promising you would... Did I run away?

When you gave up on working, or ignored opportunities to work.. Did I run away?

I never gave up. I never would have given up.

Was I perfect? Hell fucking no.

I have a temper and I'm stubborn as hell.

But did I ask you the night before we went anywhere if I could have a Starbucks? Yep. I did.

You know why? Because you got mad and told me I wasn't being fair to you by asking for a hot chocolate the morning of us going somewhere.

Did you buy me gifts? Of course. You provided me with lots of things and surprised me with lots of things. So why does everyone think I should NEVER forget that? Did everyone else miss where you owned TWO PORSCHES?

Oh wait... What about when you traded those in and bought yourself a Camaro after promising me we'd discuss it first when you got home.

Oh wait... A 60" tv that I came home from work one day and just said come on honey I know you want it.

Has anyone seen your closet. Like you ever stopped yourself from clothes or shoe buying.

Hmmm oh I know. Hey honey - I bought a couple more fatheads then I said I was going to.

How about you bitching everyday that you had to drive me to work and pick me up after I was hit by a MACK truck and my car was out of commission. I remember you asking me if I'd take the 2 hr bus trip one way so you wouldn't have to get up.

When you went into my wallet and removed all access to any money we had, debit card and credit cards, THREE DIFFERENT TIMES because you were mad at me.

You took all of my American credit cards and debit card before you kicked me out but yet you haven't even sent me your Canadian debit card or the Canadian Tire mastercards (yours and mine) OR your Canadian visa.

And I'm the fucked up one crying myself to sleep because none of that means I don't love you and that I don't want to be with you.

I do love you and I do want to be with you.

I miss you so damn much.

I want to wake up next to you.

I want to rub your back.

I wish I could hear your voice.

WW and best friends

WW went well. Down for the first time in 2 weeks... Thank goodness. Now if only I can keep on track and continue this trend next week. *fingers crossed*

Spent the evening with F. I actually smiled and laughed for the first time since Sunday. She always makes me laugh. Good friends are hard to come by... Especially when you aren't giving back what they deserve. That is what a true friend is - someone who sticks by you through it all. The good, the bad an the ugly.

I owe F BIG time. :)

Feeling Blue

Felt oka today until about 10am. Then I was just sad again.

Being at work, I had to keep a happy face on. Then at lunch a co-worker talked about how he had to get rid of his dogs because he couldn't find a rental house here that would allow him to have them. Since he is here his wife and kids had to bring the dog to the pound.

Ugh. It just tore at my heart.

I try not to think about the kids at work... Mainly because I can barely keep it together when I do think of them. I miss them so much.

I know they are safe but I can't help but feel like he is keeping them for personal reasons. He always told me that he'd never take Rooney away from me.

He doesn't seem to remember that. He knows how important Rooney is to me and yet to cause more pain he has made the executive decision that he gets to keep them.

I'm not angry about anything but that. He can lie to himself and everyone else but I know he's keeping them all for selfish reasons. That hurts me the most.

Guilt

I feel guilty for not 'healing' as quickly as everyone thinks I should. I feel guilty for not wanting to go to a lawyer or for missing my dogs when people tell me I shouldn't.

I feel guilty for the people who worry about me and guilty for not being the 'strong' person people expect me to be.

Those are all examples of unhealthy guilt. Guilt that weighs me down and depletes what little happiness I have.

I don't really know what healthy guilt is yet.. I suppose it would be guilt for hurting someone. So in that case I feel guilty for contributing to his unhappiness. Hurting him is a pain I can't apologize for enough. What I do hope he realizes is that my intentions were not to hurt him. My intentions were to love him, to support him and to make him see how loved, appreciated, and happy he made me on a daily basis.

I screwed up some days. I think he did to on days.

Was anything that happened reason to give up?

No. Not in my eyes. I suppose that mean we have to agree to disagree.

We never talked about this situation. We talked about cheating... That was always the line. Everything else was workable. That is what he always promised.

I believed that promise. I believed him when he promised we would always be Oka. I believed in him and in us.

The death of that is this gigantic hole in my soul.

What happened? What changed?

I have my theory. I know we weren't perfect... I know we had our faults and our fights and that some of those fights got out of control. I'm not going to deny that or downplay any of that. But all of THAT is fixable.

I think what contributed A LOT was that all of the sudden I went from one of his main supports to being one of many. When we told our friends and they accepted him for him all of the sudden he had other support. He didn't need me anymore.

He didn't need me and he didn't want me.

He turned my support around in his head and made it an ugly thing. He told me I threw it in his face that I loved and supported him through everything when all I wanted him to know was that I supported him. I HAVE and ALWAYS will support him. It was never meant to be ugly. It wasn't meant to be a slap in his face.

I love Ryan for his heart.

I love Ryan for his laughter and smile.

I love him for him. No matter who he is I love and support him.

I wish he could see that and not find ugly in it.

...

Do I want to go home? Yes.
Do I miss him? God yes.
Do I grieve for the loss of my best friend? Yes.

I don't know how to not have those feelings.

I can't erase him from my life like he erased me.

I don't want to.

Perhaps again that is where we have to agree to disagree.

Therapist

Going to see a new therapist tonight.

I don't know how I feel about it. Right now I'm just exhausted from fighting tears at work. I feel the same as I did yesterday but my mom was annoyed and pissy that I didn't get out of bed all day yesterday. Her disappointment in me just makes it harder so I showered and got myself to work.

Cried the whole morning.

I'm tired. Tired of tears. Tired of faking a smile, tired of pretending I'm Oka.

I know I'm doing a crappy job of faking it anyway.

I'm just tired and I miss him. I miss us and our kids.

Radio Silence

Dear you,

I heard that you think radio silence might be best because you are hoping not to hurt me more than I'm already hurting but it's doing the exact opposite.

Every moment I don't hear from you is like a knife in my heart.

Every time I check my email I'm praying for a message. Praying for an update on our kids. God I miss those sweet faces. I don't know how to live without you and our kids. I just don't.

Every time I check Facebook I hope you'll have messaged me. Tell me you've received the package for the kids. Tell me that you liked their shirts or that the cats like their toys.

Maybe you'll tell me about school and how it's going.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just be left here struggling not to scream. Fighting a losing battle against constant tears and sobs.

Days like today where all I could do was focus on breathing. I've never felt so alone.

You are my best friend and the only person who didn't judge me. I could tell you everything.

Now I have nothing. My actions or lack there of have left my family angry or disappointed in me. Out of two friends, one hasn't spoken to me since before my birthday and the other is trying to shove lawyers down my throat.

Please. I can't do this.

I need you.

- me

Depression

I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed today. I called off work and slept off and on all day. Yesterday, after talking with my MiL, all I could think about was how fast I'd die if I jumped from the high level.

Sadly the only thing that keeps me from going there is this thought process of - what if I die and then he realizes that he misses me and wants me back. It's on this continuous loop in my head. I want to be here if suddenly it hits him that he wants me to come home.

Then I think - obviously he is never going to want you again. He won't even acknowledge your existence. It's like I never even was a part of his life. How do you just erase someone who has been your friend since we were both 13, not to mention your wife for the past 4 years?

He's managed to do just that. I just never existed. It feels like the only person who even remembers me is my MiL.

I feel like dying. I wish I could. I can't take this hurt anymore. I just want to hear his voice, I miss my friend.

I miss my friend so much. I miss his laugh and smile. I miss listening to him breathe at night.

I miss him so much.