Depression

I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed today. I called off work and slept off and on all day. Yesterday, after talking with my MiL, all I could think about was how fast I'd die if I jumped from the high level.

Sadly the only thing that keeps me from going there is this thought process of - what if I die and then he realizes that he misses me and wants me back. It's on this continuous loop in my head. I want to be here if suddenly it hits him that he wants me to come home.

Then I think - obviously he is never going to want you again. He won't even acknowledge your existence. It's like I never even was a part of his life. How do you just erase someone who has been your friend since we were both 13, not to mention your wife for the past 4 years?

He's managed to do just that. I just never existed. It feels like the only person who even remembers me is my MiL.

I feel like dying. I wish I could. I can't take this hurt anymore. I just want to hear his voice, I miss my friend.

I miss my friend so much. I miss his laugh and smile. I miss listening to him breathe at night.

I miss him so much.