Guilt

I feel guilty for not 'healing' as quickly as everyone thinks I should. I feel guilty for not wanting to go to a lawyer or for missing my dogs when people tell me I shouldn't.

I feel guilty for the people who worry about me and guilty for not being the 'strong' person people expect me to be.

Those are all examples of unhealthy guilt. Guilt that weighs me down and depletes what little happiness I have.

I don't really know what healthy guilt is yet.. I suppose it would be guilt for hurting someone. So in that case I feel guilty for contributing to his unhappiness. Hurting him is a pain I can't apologize for enough. What I do hope he realizes is that my intentions were not to hurt him. My intentions were to love him, to support him and to make him see how loved, appreciated, and happy he made me on a daily basis.

I screwed up some days. I think he did to on days.

Was anything that happened reason to give up?

No. Not in my eyes. I suppose that mean we have to agree to disagree.

We never talked about this situation. We talked about cheating... That was always the line. Everything else was workable. That is what he always promised.

I believed that promise. I believed him when he promised we would always be Oka. I believed in him and in us.

The death of that is this gigantic hole in my soul.

What happened? What changed?

I have my theory. I know we weren't perfect... I know we had our faults and our fights and that some of those fights got out of control. I'm not going to deny that or downplay any of that. But all of THAT is fixable.

I think what contributed A LOT was that all of the sudden I went from one of his main supports to being one of many. When we told our friends and they accepted him for him all of the sudden he had other support. He didn't need me anymore.

He didn't need me and he didn't want me.

He turned my support around in his head and made it an ugly thing. He told me I threw it in his face that I loved and supported him through everything when all I wanted him to know was that I supported him. I HAVE and ALWAYS will support him. It was never meant to be ugly. It wasn't meant to be a slap in his face.

I love Ryan for his heart.

I love Ryan for his laughter and smile.

I love him for him. No matter who he is I love and support him.

I wish he could see that and not find ugly in it.

...

Do I want to go home? Yes.
Do I miss him? God yes.
Do I grieve for the loss of my best friend? Yes.

I don't know how to not have those feelings.

I can't erase him from my life like he erased me.

I don't want to.

Perhaps again that is where we have to agree to disagree.