Hurt

It hurts.

Everything in me hurts. From the time I open my eyes until the last moment before I slip into what my body now calls sleep.

And isn't that a joke. Sleep. I used to dread sleeping because it meant I couldn't see you but then I was able to wake up next to you and it countered all that bad. Waking up next to you, being able to touch you, kiss you, hold you. It was all I wanted... From 15 until I met you, I dreamt and prayed and wished for you next to me.

Now? I toss and turn. I wake up at 3, 4,5 crying or wanting to scream.

I see you in my dreams but I can't ever touch you. In my dreams you are over me, moved on. Living life like I meant nothing. You have our kids and someone else. You laugh and smile and kiss someone else.

I can't even imagine smiling. I can't even imagine anyone else.

I'm not saying there is someone else but I know you'll move on. I know you'll find someone new.

What do I do?

How do I make the hurt stop?

You aren't even speaking to me right now. It's killing me.

I have no one to talk to, no one I confide in. No one to turn to. You were my husband but more then that you have been my best friend for 12+ years. You've been my support system, my family, my lover.

Then you ripped it all away. Blamed me for everything. Told me and your mom that this was all my fault. And then you just stop.

You promised we'd always be Oka.

You told me we could be friends.

You NEVER told me you'd do this.

How can you hurt someone so easily and then just pretend they don't exist?

You aren't even sending me my stuff.

Why do you get to make a life changing decision and then stick your head in the sand and not deal with it.

You should be dealing with this. You should be taking responsibility for your decisions!!

YOU WANTED THIS!! BE A MAN AND STEP UP AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!

I DIDN'T WALK AWAY. I LEFT BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME IT WAS THE ONLY WAY TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE.

then you threw me away anyways. Called me at 730am on a Monday. YOU LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WOULD GO TO THERAPY. YOU LET ME SPILL MY HEART.

And then you told me you weren't in love with me anymore and not to come home. If I did come home you'd be forced to do something I wouldn't like.

Do you hurt at all? Or did you just decide that I don't exist?

I hurt. I cry myself to sleep. I wish, and pray and beg God to make the hurt go away.

And you won't even update me on our kids.

No one deserves to be treated like this. No one.

And yet you seem to be Oka. Living your life, letting your Mom pack my stuff.

What did I do to deserve this treatment? I didn't send someone after you to best the shit out of you. I didn't cheat on you. I didn't lie to you. I didn't tell you that you were a piece of shit the week your Dad died. I didn't use you for my own personal gain.

You wanted to keep all those types in your life.

Yes, we argued. Yes, I called you an asshole or a jerk when you pushed every button you possibly could. Did I yell? Fuck yes. Did I cry? Of course.

We had 4 years of marriage. Years where we dealt with the stress of being out of our comfort zones. Years of lies or indecision. We never had a "normal" relationship but I gave you my best.

I GAVE YOU MY FUCKING BEST.

I gave you my love, my support, my heart.

You crushed it all.

4 years of marriage wasn't even worth a fucking chance to you.

Then you had the nerve to say to me, oh "too little too late".

Really?!?

When you refused to fill out your immigration paperwork for the first 3 years of our marriage after promising, promising, promising you would... Did I run away?

When you gave up on working, or ignored opportunities to work.. Did I run away?

I never gave up. I never would have given up.

Was I perfect? Hell fucking no.

I have a temper and I'm stubborn as hell.

But did I ask you the night before we went anywhere if I could have a Starbucks? Yep. I did.

You know why? Because you got mad and told me I wasn't being fair to you by asking for a hot chocolate the morning of us going somewhere.

Did you buy me gifts? Of course. You provided me with lots of things and surprised me with lots of things. So why does everyone think I should NEVER forget that? Did everyone else miss where you owned TWO PORSCHES?

Oh wait... What about when you traded those in and bought yourself a Camaro after promising me we'd discuss it first when you got home.

Oh wait... A 60" tv that I came home from work one day and just said come on honey I know you want it.

Has anyone seen your closet. Like you ever stopped yourself from clothes or shoe buying.

Hmmm oh I know. Hey honey - I bought a couple more fatheads then I said I was going to.

How about you bitching everyday that you had to drive me to work and pick me up after I was hit by a MACK truck and my car was out of commission. I remember you asking me if I'd take the 2 hr bus trip one way so you wouldn't have to get up.

When you went into my wallet and removed all access to any money we had, debit card and credit cards, THREE DIFFERENT TIMES because you were mad at me.

You took all of my American credit cards and debit card before you kicked me out but yet you haven't even sent me your Canadian debit card or the Canadian Tire mastercards (yours and mine) OR your Canadian visa.

And I'm the fucked up one crying myself to sleep because none of that means I don't love you and that I don't want to be with you.

I do love you and I do want to be with you.

I miss you so damn much.

I want to wake up next to you.

I want to rub your back.

I wish I could hear your voice.