Therapy #3

Went to therapy today. I didn't want to go. Part of me feels like by going I'm saying yep - I'm letting go.

Today we talked about having to be in a shell or a cocoon. Having to be there and then breaking out (breaking emotionally) before being able to move on.

I lost it. I sobbed for a whole 5 minutes. I tried to stop and I couldn't. Sure I've cried in therapy but never just sobbed. When we talked about breaking I couldn't handle it.

It means change. It means letting go. It means not blaming myself for the entire destruction on my marriage.

My therapist pushed me today. He pushed me to stop being mad at myself and stop talking about how great Ryan is and to finally look at it and see that it wasn't all me. Ryan played his role in all of this as well. My therapist is concerned that I keep doing what Ryan wants. He asked me why I keep doing that.

He said I don't have to do anything he wants. He doesn't control me. If I want to write a blog I can write it. If I want to tell his mom everything I can. I don't have to do a damn thing Ryan asks anymore. He threw me away - he threw away our relationship.

My therapist reminded me that I didn't give up. Despite the reasons Ryan says he walked away the point is that he still gave up. Things got tough and Ryan couldn't deal with it.

I didn't fail. Ryan did.

We talked about finding a healthy outlet for the anger I feel - the anger I'm afraid to express because upsetting other people upsets me.

I keep thinking about Ryan telling me I have an anger problem. I think about I all the time. Everyone I've told that to laughs - they tell me they can't believe it. I tell them why he says that - I've told the ketchup bottle story, I've told the window/radio story, I've told about calling him an asshole or a jerk.

I keep getting - umm so that's a reason to end a marriage? So that means you have an anger problem?

From everyone - even my therapist - I get: and you are trying to prove him right why? I keep getting asked why I'm making excuses for him. Why am I sleeping in my moms house telling everyone how he's not a bad guy and how it was all my fault but yet he's sitting in a paid off house that I and his mom painted and fixed up, he's sitting there not having to work, he has all the furniture, he has a rental property making him an income and he has all 6 of our animals.

So why do I keep making excuses for him? Why do I keep defending him?

I don't know. I don't know why I do - all I know is that I love him.

I want to be there picking up his clothes. I want to be there rubbing his back at night. I want to kiss him (x3) at night before sleep.

:(

Ugh.

Am I going to get over this?