It was a good session I think. We are talking about figuring out who I really am. I feel like perhaps I'm not this happy go lucky person that I try to be to make people happy. Ryan always says that I'm not the same person with him as I am with others. He's right, I didn't have to put a face on with him and it was too much for him... Now I'm scared that being the real me means I'm unlovable and too much too handle. :(
It's hard. My therapist says just because my marriage is ending doesn't mean either of those things.
We started talking about Ryan today. My therapist kept reminding me that I wasn't the one that quit on our marriage. He said I wasn't the one who failed at our marriage.
That doesn't make me feel any better. We talked about how Ryan completes me, makes me happier, stable, feel solid and complete. I talked about how inadequate I feel because I obviously don do that for him and how I'm struggling to understand how he can be that for me but I'm not it for him. I can't figure out how my head and heart can be so in love with someone who doesn't feel the same.
It's a rough process. It's hard to tell my therapist things I've never even told Ryan... Things that I'm scared of, things I couldn't explain to Ryan without worrying that he'd tuck tail and run.
Now I'm feeling like even just being me is so inadequate and unlovable that it's not worth ever putting myself out there.
:(
My therapist said he found it very interesting that I seem to have such an insecurity about my own identity when my husband deals with his own identity issues and from what I've explained I was confident and able to support his identity issues with no problem.
Ugh. So much.
All I know is that I still hurt.
I still miss him.
I love him.
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