I haven't blogged in a while.
I stopped because I was emailed and asked to not blog on here and that I should perhaps try a pen and paper. I tried it.
I didn't work. I couldn't get into it and I didn't enjoy it.
So I'm back to this. I'm tired of being told what to do. If you don't like it - please feel free not to read it. I need this.
I need to write and express and get it out. This is where I like it.
So how am I?
Well honestly not good.
I'm sad, tired, very lonely and missing my dogs everyday.
I've been trying to restrict myself to only asking about them once a month. I wish I could ask everyday and get a response but I think I've even lost my once a month update.
I was told that I'll be informed of anything that happens. It was a brush off - a leave me alone email.
I was told that Rooney would never be taken away from me. Well that wasn't the truth.
I was told that he decided to be the main caretaker for the dogs without a discussion after I met the stipulations he put forward. I was told he wouldn't deny me access to them.
So now I'm going to have to go visit. I'm terrified to go. Is he going to let me see them? Is he going to deny me that as well? Is he going to tell me that I have to fit into his schedule or his timetable even though it will be me flying 8 hours to see them?
All I want are Rooney & Penelope. I know that I can't take care of Maui I don't have the yard space or the time to commit to her. But I am more then capable of taking care of Rooney and Penelope and providing them with a great life. He says it isn't personal but he can't/won't give me a reason that it isn't.
I still cry everyday. I still miss him everyday.
I still wake up more often then not thinking I'll open my eyes and see his back or his gorgeous face.
But I don't. It's this constant punch in the face that the only person I've ever told everything to threw me away like a common piece of garbage.
Even with that thought I'd go back in an instant. Of course we'd have things to work out but the love I have for him is strong enough to overcome anything.
He is my soul's mate.
I will love him until my very last breath. I wish that was enough for him.
Maybe one day it will be. Maybe one day he'll call and say - "let's talk."
I just hope it comes before I'm gone.
