The last glimmer

The last glimmer of hope died today.

It hurt. It hurt more then when he first sent me away. I still had hope at that point.

My throat hurts from screaming. My eyes hurt from tears but they still keep leaking out.

I still love him. I don't know if I'll ever stop but he nailed that final nail today.

I have to heal for my kids. Until I can heal for myself I'll need to heal for them.

Thank you for my memories, thank you for the love we shared and the life we enjoyed together.

I wish you peace, mind and soul. I wish you success.

I hope that one day you'll realize how loved you are because of your heart and soul. I hope you realize that lying and pretending isn't necessary.

You are amazing just as you.

Goodbye.

Foundations

Had a conversation about the foundations of marriage yesterday.

Ugh it doesn't even matter about the stupid conversation. I just miss him.

I miss EVERYTHING about him. I miss his habits and the feeling of his body. I miss him being angry bc I interrupted him, I miss hearing him talk to the kids. I miss his intelligence and asking him about school.

I just feel dead. It makes it hard it to want to just end it. I don't even care about the stupid suicide contract I signed. I'm just tired of missing him. I'm tired a hearing him, smelling him or feeling him in my dreams. I'm so very tired of waking up without him.

I'm just tired.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?"

Haunting. It's just haunting. The first verse of the above song kills me. It's how I wake up everyday. Everyday I fight the tears that come to my eyes when I remember that I'm here and he's not beside me.

I can't reach out and touch his smooth skin. I can't feel him breathe. I can't see those eyes stare into mine. I can't feel his lips kiss mine three times... I'll never see him roll his eyes when I ask for more just because the feeling o his lips on mine sets sparks racing through my body and lights my entire being on fire. His kisses jump start my heart. They can heal every wound I ever felt and fight off any demon I ever had.

I miss his hands. I miss his fingers and seeing the ring on his left hand. I miss knowing we were oka. "we will always be oka" ... He promised.

Then we weren't. He cast me aside and threw me away. Now he ignores me and moves on.

So when I finally have a moment of free, clear mind and then you come back in... Are you thinking of me at that very same moment? Or are you pushing all of our memories away? Digging holes and burying the feelings you said you had?

Is that easier for you then trying? Are breaking vows and promises easier then fighting for us?

Or are you just too scared to fight the fight? So ignoring it and hoping it will go away is easier?

I would still stand beside you and fight any fight. I'd still love everything about you. I still do.

No matter how many times I have to hear how stupid I am for that.

No matter how many people look at me with pity.

I said vows. I promised to love you through all the good and the bad. I'll love you forever.

You are too amazing to forget. You are too spectacular to let go of.

You, Ryan, set everything good off inside of me. A single look, or touch, or kiss.

You kept my spirit sparked and energized. You are beautiful, handsome, intelligent, funny, caring, generous to a fault.

You are my soul's mate.

I feel it dying everyday without you. I'm scared of losing it completely. I'm scared that without you my world will remain grey and bland.

You are so special. I wish I had told you that more or tried to explain more how amazing you made me feel.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

I love you. I've never stopped. I don't know how to not love you.