Glimmer of tears

I haven't had a day like this in a while. From the moment I woke up I could feel it in my heart. I miss him.

It makes me so mad to miss him. He doesn't deserve to be missed after all the crap he pulled.

But it can't be helped. I love him. Will I ever not? I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to talk to about everything and anything and not feeling stupid for it.

I miss his smile a lot. I miss having him look at me and knowing there wasn't a judgement. He just looked at me and loved me.

I'm so scared ill never find that again. I don't even know how to start. I know I'm not ready - even thinking about it makes me want to throw up.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone.

...

My heart just hurts. It makes it hard to breathe.

Whoa

It's 5:22am.

I just got home from my sister and brothers place. I attempted to play mediator between them for a disagreement.

I just. My heart is beating so fast.

I saw Ryan and I.

I saw my brother telling his fiancee that he loves her, that he wants to be with her. I then saw my sister shake her head and not believe it.

I did that. I was there. I refused to listen and hear Ryan tell me that he loved me because I wanted it in a different way... When all along he was saying it the only way he knew how.

I'm so scared for them. I'm so scared she won't hear it in time. I'm so scared she'll make my mistake and he'll just finally give up.

I did that. I pushed and pushed and finally I broke him.

I cracked the foundation.

Ryan I am so sorry. I know that this is too little too late for us. I know that I pushed you to a point that you had to hardened your heart against us to legitimately survive.

I'm sorry I couldn't see that what you were giving was what I wanted just in a different form.

I hope she sees it before it is too late. I wouldn't wish this heartbreak on anyone.