Hope

Oh how many times have I heard the word "hope"?

How many times have I cried myself to sleep thinking of how useless hope was and a waste of time and energy.

Hoping for a love lost, a love thrown away and disposed of. Hoping for the love of my life to return when I'm not even sure he even existed anymore.

Too many tears have been shed for someone who convinced himself I wasn't good enough a long time ago and was looking for a way out.

But what if I was meant to hope for something else... Perhaps when people were telling me to hope they did not mean for a love discarded.

Perhaps they meant for hope to bring peace, to allow a broken heart to heal and mend and begin to open to the thought of new happiness.

Hope for me today means hope that one day someone will love and cherish me the way my friend does his wife. Hope that one day I'll be worth fighting for and that vows to each other will mean more then just words so easily forgotten.

I dislike holidays

I dislike holidays. They make me miss people and feel very, very alone.

I miss him... So much so that I can't even put it into words. After the way he's treated me he doesn't deserve devotion or these feelings... But they are there. I want to go home and hold his hand and kiss his lips. I feel as though I'm doomed to miss him forever.

If I focus on the positive, I've connected with an old friend. I missed his flirty, nerdy, wonderful sense of humor a great deal. It's been a very long time since the last time I laughed and smiled so often. Reminding yourself that he treats all women the same way is how you avoid his charm. You aren't special, just another number. :) He is a wonderful friend though.

Hopefully I'll make it through this weekend without too many tears. Fingers crossed.